I Should Write for TV
As the year runs down, my thoughts turn to making lists. Everybody has his or her “10 Worst PR Disaster” or “5 Best Burritos” or “Top Seven Things in 2020 That Are Not Listworthy.”
Not me.
Instead, I turn to my annual list of TV shows that I’d make if I wrote for TV (yes, I used to be a TV executive–but it was public TV and they never liked my show concepts. Go figure). I mean really, when you think of the absolute mediocrity (like this and this and this) that passes for “great TV,” why shouldn’t I take a shot? How about something different, like life in a quirky appliance repair shop?
So, without further ado, I present a few excerpts from my master list of Great TV I Will Someday Create. (All ideas and concepts are mine and they’re copyrighted; so don’t even think of stealing them, Lifetime Channel.)
The Mental List
A hunky dude wearing a vest and wry smile has to recall just what he needs from the store in this gripping mystery thriller. In the pilot episode, we find our hero standing in the middle of the produce aisle scratching his head, desperately trying to remember if he needs avocados or grapes–or both. If he succeeds, he has a great dinner with his wife. If he doesn’t–well, let’s just say that there will be hell to pay.
The Incredulous Hulk
A superhero who, when he loses his temper, becomes a green, muscle-bound crime fighter. He spends most of his time looking in the mirror in disbelief at the fact that getting angry transforms him from a 90-pound weakling to a 300-pound gym rat with skin the color of unripe bananas. He is simply incredulous that such a transformation occurs. He also wonders where he will buy another pair of his signature purple pants.
Potential spinoff: The Adventures of Sinistral. A left-handed villain attacks with left-handed compliments and his trademark introduction: the left-handed handshake.
Lawn Order
There are thousands of un-mowed lawns in the naked city, and the Lawn Order team practice an unconventional brand of landscaping. They cruise the mean streets of suburbia, seeking crabgrass, brown spots and Dutch Elm disease. When they find it, they get the lawn in order–pronto. Or there will be hell to pay.
Lawn Order SUV
In this spinoff of the popular Lawn Order, the team drives a sport utility vehicle instead of a pickup truck. Pretty much the same show, but different vehicle and a veritable fortune in syndication rights. (Or there will be hell to pay.)
Trapper Keeper, M.D.
In this 21st Century “reimagining” of the popular medical series of the late 70’s, early 80s, we see that Trapper John McIntire, M.D. is now a doctor who sells retro school supplies on the side. Watch for a cameo in the pilot by Alan Alda, who tries to take over the show with a righteous speech about hospital cafeteria food.
Dirty Sexy Brothers, Sisters, and Parenthoods
This show will be so provocative, edgy, and angsty I can’t even write about it on a family blog.
It’s The 1960s: Smoke ‘Em Or Else
A fond, saucy look back at a time when men were men, women were objectified and everyone drank at the office, flew Pan Am, went to the Playboy Club, and smoked cigarettes like they were addictive or something.
No, Really, It’s a Reality Show
Real people are thrust into harrowing real-life situations with only their wits, self-tanner, and alcohol. Subsequently, they are egged on to overreact for the cameras and forced to eat live tarantulas. Or they just sit on the couch and watch reality shows.
Birth Lottery Winner Weddings
Inexplicably, Americans seem to really dig Royal Weddings, so this show would stage one every week for monster ratings.
Horse, M.D.
A brilliant horse doctor figures out the most unusual cases and acts like he was raised in a barn. That’s Doctor Ed, to you, Wilbur.
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Well, those are just a few of my ideas. If you’re a network exec you can reach me via this blog.
P.S. After this I’d declare a moratorium on new cop, lawyer, or doctor shows. Enough already!
